Skip to content

The Loss I’m Grieving — That You Are Too

All the superlatives and hyperbole have been used to try and describe what we’re going through right now — ”historical“, ”unprecedented“, ”uncharted waters“, ”generational”, ”never before seen”.

And yet, the depth and scope of how COVID-19 is impacting you, me and every person on this planet is beyond any attempt to characterize it.  Never before has the entire global population been affected — almost simultaneously — as in the way we are all being impacted right now.

It’s hard to process.

A quick scan of any social media feed will reveal a world of individuals who are at vastly different places in their opinion, views and beliefs.

This entire thing is a complete hoax.

This virus could wipe out the human population.

You’re probably somewhere in the middle of that very wide and daunting spectrum.

For me, I’ve found it incredibly helpful to apply a 50 year old concept that you’ve perhaps heard about — The 5 Stages of Grief.  It was originally developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969.

Quite simply, it helps map some of the various stages that someone is likely to go through as they experience a traumatic event or loss.   It’s a great framework to consider your own experience as we go through this, and what others are experiencing on their own terms.

As I’ve moved through various emotions and thoughts about what’s going on around me, working to map some of those emotions and feeling has been extremely helpful in giving me both grounding in what’s going on, as well as focusing on how I choose to respond to this experience.

When you explore the 5 Stages, it’s likely you can identify your own responses — and of those around you — that are washing over you. 

One caveat is that not everyone moves through these stages in order.  While it’s likely you’ll experience all of these stages at some point in the journey (and the journey we’re on is FAR from over), most people tend to get stuck in one particular stage for an extended period of time. 

Stage 1: Denial

The first stage manifests as rejecting what “is” on an intellectual and emotional level.  We are given information about what is happening, but we cannot process or comprehend it.  You don’t allow yourself to believe it, because of the ramifications that would exist if it were actually true.

We’re wired to reject that which does not correspond to our beliefs and understandings of the way the world works.  It’s not possible that the entire world could shut down.  The entire global population being forced to stay home?  Schools closed for months?  People not allowed to go to work?

No way.  Can’t happen.

The resistance is strong, and the rationalizations come fast and fierce.

It’s just the flu.

It’s an overblown media hoax.

Bill Gates is trying to control the world.

I won’t get sick.

We don’t bother with contingencies because this thing can’t be real and as bad as they’re saying.  It’ll pass. 

And this fucking thing is not passing.

Stage 2: Anger

The impact begins to take shape, and you begin to feel it.  The spring break trip you planned isn’t going to happen.  The world is imposing it’s reality on you, and it doesn’t seem fair or right.

The outrage builds, and your mind begins looking to place blame on others.

Anger builds as a mechanism for your subconscious to somehow feel empowered to do something.

You’re mad at yourself as you realize all the things you should have done to be better prepared, and second guess everything you’ve done that brought this onto yourself.

You’re angry at everyone else. 

You’re fucking mad

At the government. 

At that idiot who stands 2 feet away from you and doesn’t respect your distance at the store. 

At those crazy assholes who stockpile toilet paper.

You’re not an angry person, but for fuck’s sake people, get your shit together!   What the hell are you thinking?  Has the world gone mad?

No.  The problem is that the world is not responding the way you believe it’s supposed to, and it’s angering.

Whether you think people should be shut in at home to beat this thing, or you believe this is all ridiculous and we should immediately go back to normal, there is a lot of anger and blame to go around.

I’ll say it again — you’re angry at yourself for not being better prepared, for not taking “advantage” of this down time, for not being productive.

It’s because you’re experiencing a significant trauma that is likely going to affect you for the rest of your life.

Heavy shit.  But truth.  And the more you think this is all stupid and has nothing to do for you, the longer you’ll stay in denial and anger.

Stage 3: Bargaining

Ok, fine.  This thing is real and it’s not going away tomorrow. 

The bargaining stage takes shape as your denial begins to fall away, and you can no longer deny what is actually happening.

But you continue to have the need for control — which is a complete illusion that exists only in your mind.  But it gives you something to grasp onto for comfort.

You begin to make trade-offs with yourself and with the outside world.

You start making subconscious agreements and find yourself looking upwards and asking “please” .. even if you’ve never or rarely ever prayed.

Praying is nothing more than bargaining with a higher power, whatever that is to you.

In this stage, you tend to fixate on the thought of wanting everything to go back to normal.  Beginning to say that you’ll put up with this for now, as long as things get back to regular life as fast as possible. 

This is all going to be over by Easter/May/Summer/New Years (fill in whatever your current belief might be) and I’ll be okay until then

Then we can get back to normal.

You begin to make a list of the mistakes you made “this time around”, and things you’re going to fix and resolve as soon as this thing passes.

You have too much debt, and we’re going to get that fixed as soon as this blows over.   You’re at your spouse’s throat all day, but you promise you’re going to be more kind and seek out couples therapy as soon as you’re able.

You believe that you still have control, and you’ll be able to control your way out of the situation.

Stage 4: Despair/Depression

At some point, with your mind exhausted from resistance and emotional negotiation, despair and hopelessness set in.  You begin to feel and realize you have no control over stopping this thing or the consequences that are transpiring.   You’re helpless and you’re floating down a river with no one to help you as you careen towards a lethal waterfall.

The downward spiral comes fast, and has no end of material to grind through.

You fear that this is going to wipe you out financially.  You’re going to end up broke and homeless.  Your partner will leave you, you can’t protect or take care of your children, and your entire life has been a waste to this point.

What’s the use of it all? 

The fear grips you that what you thought was predictable and safe is in fact a complete illusion.  Everything can be taken away from you in a blink, and staring at that incredibly sobering reality is terrifying.

Who am I?  What the hell am I doing?

This is perhaps the most dangerous stage where many people get caught, cycling through a never-ending series of fatalistic projections into the future.  This is where many of our own deep fears and insecurities begin to rise up and take control of our thinking.  Deep down, you knew you didn’t deserve what you had.  Yikes.

We begin to make terrible decisions, and perpetuate the impact and consequences of what’s happening around us.

Stage 5: Acceptance

At some point — and it does come at some point — we finally resign to accept that what is happening around is actually happening, and that we cannot change that.  We become aware that what we can begin to change is how we respond to what’s going on. 

We choose to respond rather than react. 

We begin to take actions that will mitigate the ultimate damage or harm we may face.

Our mind starts pursuing options and possibilities to try and move us out of where we are mentally.  Our attitude shifts to things we can do, and what we’re grateful for, and how we can make things better. 

Slowly but surely, we come to terms with the reality that we can accept what’s going on and not be pleased about it, but rather looking for the cracks of light in the darkness that can slowly grow into a beacon of hope.

We face the reckoning that what we once knew as reality is no more.

But instead of looking at it as something that was torn away from us, we begin to look for how we can take the experience, and use it to build a brighter and happier future for ourselves and those around us.

The Most Difficult Loss?

Aside from the tragic loss of life and difficult health ailments that are impacting millions of people and families around the world, I believe there’s a much larger common loss that billions of people are now being forced to deal with.

That is the loss of identity.

The things we knew as absolutely true are being torn away from us, arbitrarily and mercilessly.

I know this feeling from the first time I sold a business, after running it for almost 10 years.  Even though the sale was successful, the moment I sold and was no longer the owner of the business .. I went through a massive identity crisis and depression (along with all the other stages of grief .. because I was grieving the loss of my identity).

Who was I if I wasn’t the guy that owned that business?

Hundreds of millions of jobs, business, ventures and passions are being wiped away in front of our eyes.  Without any notice, and without any discretion or logic.

If you worked in a job you loved for 17 years, and suddenly that job is gone — and even the company you worked for has been wiped out — what does that leave you with in terms of your identity?

What if the business you’ve loved for so many years and that has done so much good for  your employees, your clients and your own family — is suddenly destroyed and taken to zero?  Obliterated in a matter of days or weeks?

I believe this is going to be the greatest reckoning we face through this tragic crisis.

And moving through the 5 Stages of Grief is going to be a lot of work for many of us.  Because letting go of the identity we attached so deeply to is going to be painful.